Thursday, April 18, 2013

Looking back

I used to journal over at a different blogging site; it was a journal that only my husband knew existed, so I felt very free to write all my innermost thoughts and observations whereas in this forum, I feel I need to be a little more reserved for some reason.  I came across a blog post from last year and remembered just how overwhelmed and desperate I felt.  Here's a peek....

Holding Pattern

I’m not one to complain in open forum, so it’s nice that I have this blog that only one other person sees – the one who has to hear my griping all the time anyway.  I constantly focus on the positive parts of a particular situation and pray for those where there is just too much pain to see the positive at the moment.  However, I feel a tad bit like Job.  Really, in the sense that there are several tough things going on all at once and there’s nothing I can do but trust and wait…patiently…God must be trying to refine me a lot right now because I am not a patient person.  I want answers - I need answers.  I am a planner and without answers, I can’t fully function.  I totally trust what God wants to do in my life; I just want to know what it is He’s GOING to do so that I can prepare.  Is that still trust? 
We have 34 days until baby girl makes her arrival and that means 23 more work days for me.  This feels like an eternity right now.  I can’t sleep much at night, I wake up probably 5-6 times each night on average, and I’m uncomfortable most of the night, so that doesn’t bode too well for my energy level at work all day.  We are waiting to see what’s going to happen with IDES – hearing tomorrow and I have been praying every day about this one.  .  So, I’m stressed about money, about being at work all day, about my discomfort, about the fact that this baby is seriously running out of room and every time she moves now makes me uncomfortable, about getting everything done at home, about getting this mouse  (these mice???) out of my house, and about frustrations with ministry and dear friends leaving now.  I will probably break down at some point today if someone just looks at me wrong.
Your Love is like fire
That burns for all to see
My only desire – to worship at Your feet
So let this fire consume my life
I think it's pretty obvious that I was NOT content in our position last year in any way, shape, or form.  I just remember being exhausted, frustrated, and on the verge of tears a lot last spring.  Then, Calah was born on May 22nd and our situation DID change.   Now, we have three kids under 5 years old (at the time) and are trying to squeeze in even more things to do every day. 

Don't get me wrong - we had a lot of fun last summer when I was on maternity leave.  I wish I could spend that much time with my family every summer.  But we were (and are still) in the same house and in the same boat financially as we were last spring.  Then, came fall and winter, and our schedule had not yet let up.  We suffered a major loss just before Christmas and it was right about then that I started to realize that my priorities aren't straight.  I needed to enjoy my family every day; I needed to live life like it meant something every day.  And I just wasn't.  I wanted to but felt like I didn't know how, didn't have the means, or "when we get ____ or have ____, we can...".  Ever since the loss of my father-in-law, there has been an incredible sense of peace.  I can't say it happened all at once.  There was pain and grief.  There was struggle.  There still is.  But, that's the event to which I can point and say things have really started to change in our little corner of the world. 

God has provided for us in so many ways that we were failing by our own efforts.  He was there with us through the storm and He hasn't left our side.  I just needed to open my eyes.   I needed to be thankful for the home that He has given us and use it to the best of our abilities to serve our family.  To create spaces where the kids can play; To create processes and schedules that maximize our time together. 

And today, one year later, we are in almost the same situation:  1.  in a very small house that is underwater in this market, 2. we still have our student loans to pay off, and 3. we are still praying through our job situations.  But the thing that HAS changed is our attitude and our willingness to be content where God has brought us at this stage.  We have more than we need (and definitely more than we deserve) and I am overwhelmed - not with stress but with peace and love and grace that can only be given as a gift from Him.

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